As promised, here are the dead things.

These are just some of the things the cat leaves for me each morning. Thankfully she didn’t decapitate them like she normally does. When she does that she leaves the eyeballs on the back door welcome mat. I don’t know what she does with the heads.

I think these might be moles but I’m not really sure. I didn’t poke them with a stick to try to turn them over to get a better look. They are a little bigger than a mouse and as you can see they don’t have long tails.

*update*

Shortly after posting this I noticed another dead thing in the yard. It’s been decapitated but the eyeballs are still attached as you can clearly see. I think it’s a bunny, sorry Katherine.

I’m not sure if this belongs to the bunny or is from a bird, it looks as if there are feathers attached. You can biggify if you want to take a closer look.

And not in a creepy way.

I was going to post a picture of the dead things my cat killed and left on the deck, because I can’t identify them and thought you might be able to, but then I got this email and that bumped the dead things post.

I had a dream with you in it last night.

GPop, Son, and I were asked to go on a bus trip to the Twin Cities.  The admin assistant of our area was driving.  There was someone standing at the front of the bus, a la the movie Speed.  Later that evening, we finally got to the bus stop, which was right outside the small restaurant you owned in downtown Minneapolis.

You came out to greet us, looking just like your arms-out-head-back picture.  You told us that you thought our admin was a bad driver, so you were going to bring us a better chauffeur.  You snapped your fingers, and the old Batmobile from the Adam West Batman series zipped around the corner and approached the curb.  Just as it was about to pull up, a black Corvette zoomed up and parked right in front of us.  The door opened, and Tom Cruise looked out from inside.  He started to talk to us as though we should care what he had to say.  He just kept talking from the passenger seat.  I think his wife was driving him around.

The guy in the Batmobile kept checking his watch, but nobody was paying attention to him.  I think you were getting irritated at Tom Cruise.

Then I woke up.

GDad, from Cranial Hyperossification, is one of my best blog friends. We have never met in real life, though we have talked about it. I’m rather impressed with this dream. I love that I could snap my fingers and conjure up the original Batmobile. I’m not really sure why GDad thought I had this kind of power but it has really made my day, and saved you all from the dead things post.  I don’t usually remember my dreams, though occasionally I have written about them.

Have you ever had a dream about someone from the blogosphere?

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For the last week my neighbors have been lighting off fireworks. Not a ton but enough to scare the shit out of my dog making him hide under my desk.

Stanley is a beast of a dog even if he has very short, stubby legs. He takes up a lot of room and there are a lot of cables and cords under there. Cables and cords which he gets tangled in because he is a tard and scared.

I understand that people are excited about lighting things on fire and watching them go BOOM. But for the love of all things I NEED TO GET SOME FLIPPING WORK DONE please knock it the fuck off!

Yesterday, Stanley tried to wedge himself between the tower and my desk, he didn’t fit because there is only about two inches between the two. He settled for squishing himself up to the tower (because I refused to let him under the desk) and ended up turning off the computer because he was pressed against the power button. Thank God for auto save but I still had to reboot, which takes what seems like hours.

I’ve been tripping over the damn dog for over a week and now he has decided that he must go to the bathroom with me. My bathroom is tiny, there is not room for a person and a dog in there. He doesn’t care. He is willing himself to be small so he can fit into little spaces, presumably so the fireworks monster can’t find him.

I love my country, I love my dog, but I need to get some work done so if you could all please go blow your stash off somewhere else, like in the next state, I would sincerely appreciate it

The first date actually happened!

It almost didn’t, and some of us think it shouldn’t have happened, but it did.

After months of commenting back and forth, emails and phone conversations James and I finally met in person. I think it’s safe to say that after all this time and going public, no one was going to cancel. But James should have because nothing makes a better first impression quite like hacking up a lung.

Me: You look like shit

Him: I feel great, I’b at de end ob the cold

Yeah, right.

I had to give James points for showing up when he clearly should have been at home sleeping.

You know how women are said to make a decision within the first few seconds of meeting a guy for the first time? Well this cold really threw me. I gave up my double bed life in exchange for a single bed a long time ago so while this decision needs to be made soon it wasn’t going to be made in those first few minutes of meeting. I couldn’t get past the dark circles under his eyes and his inability to speak without coughing. I wanted to but the last thing I need is to catch a summer cold, or typhoid.

Prior to the date James had called and asked if we should meet at the restaurant or if he should pick me up. It was hot out, 93 with tropical humidity, and James’ car didn’t have a working A/C. I suggested I drive but he thought it would be much better if we took his car. He mentioned something about blog fodder but I think he was delirious. He probably didn’t notice the heat since he was already running a temperature of at least 100. The decision was quickly made to take my car.

I wasn’t planning on driving, if I had I would have parked my car in the front of the house so we didn’t have to go through my garage where my smelly couch and rug have been stored until I figure out what to do with them. Of course, James couldn’t smell a thing so he wasn’t offended by the moldy smell, but I was. Women don’t usually show their garage to a guy on the first date because to us a garage is just another place to store things. There is no rhyme or reason to where things go. As long as I can get to the lawn mower and park my car the garage is in order. But I know men well enough to know that garages for men are like shoe closets for women. There is a place for everything and you don’t mix sandals with winter boots. Walking through the garage caused considerable anxiety for me. Thankfully James was too sick to notice the mess in my garage.

We arrived at a lovely Vietnamese restaurant and sat down. Since our date was on Saturday, the day before the 4th of July, there were few people dining in a restaurant that usually has a rather long waiting list. James ordered spring rolls and I was pleasantly surprised to learn that they were real spring rolls and not deep fried mini egg rolls. James earned another point.

Prior to the date we had decided that there would be no talking about the blog during dinner. No one was allowed to check their email and there was to be no Tweeting. This didn’t prevent my brother from texting me all night long or my son from calling several times but I am happy to say I did not check my email and I did not Tweet.

We spent the next four hours talking about the Tour de France. Actually, James spent the next four hours talking about the Tour de France. James used to race and was once roommates with Lance Armstrong so he had plenty of stories to tell. I once watched about 30 seconds of coverage of the Tour de France, or at least as long as it took me to find the remote so I could find something more interesting like golf to watch, so I sat there and nodded and considered whether or not I wanted to catch a cold.

In the end I decided I didn’t want to catch a cold and I didn’t want to rub Vick’s VapoRub all over his chest as he suggested. That might have been fun had he not had a cold, and something other than Vick’s VapoRub was being used but because he really needed a mom and I didn’t want to take care of anyone we decided it best if he just went home and had some soup or something.

So, since this one went so well we have decided to try again when he isn’t feeling so crappy. Plus, I forgot to give him his mug and pen that Margaret from NannygoatsINpanties sent.

If you have any suggestions for what we should do for our second first date please leave them in the comment section.

I’m going to get some tea, I feel a little tickle in my throat.

I often hear bloggers complain that they don’t get many comments. They have done all the right things, they tell me, they have written great content, joined blog communities and promoted their posts, they have visited other sites and commented but they still aren’t getting any comments, or at least very few, on their blog.  What gives?

I’ll tell you what gives.

Word Verification

Sometimes called Captcha but I just call it a comment killer. I hate word verification because it’s one more step and one I often get wrong. I am mildly dyslexic and Captchas or word verifications mess me up. If they were real words it wouldn’t be so bad but most of the time they are not words at all, just a string of letters that almost resemble a word which means I type the word I think it should be rather than the pretend word it is. The worst part about word verification is that often you don’t know someone has it until after you have taken the time to write a compelling comment. I have written many comments only to abandon them because I could not replicate the fake word. Sometimes they are case sensitive and sometimes they are not. I give it the college try and usually try three times but after that I leave. I realize people use these to keep spam out but by using word verification you are keeping real comments out.

Your Post Is Too Long

I’m guilty of this all the time so I really shouldn’t bitch about it but if you run on and on about your day and don’t throw anything amusing or dramatic in there I probably won’t stick around to comment. Not because I don’t want to but because I just don’t have the time to read a thousand word post at the moment. I want to and I often bookmark it to come back later but sometimes I scroll down to see how long the post goes on for and decide I just don’t have the time. I realize a lot of readers do this with me. I know I go on for way too long sometimes, most of the time. Thanks to all of you who read to the end and then throw in your two cents. It’s much appreciated.

Picture Posts

Part of me loves picture posts (and by picture posts I mean there is no text, just a picture or two) because I enjoy the pictures and the posts themselves don’t take any time to read. Unfortunately I get stumped for what to say except for a lame “Great picture”. I assume these posts are fillers for bloggers and they don’t really care if they get a ton of comments on them or not. I’m not talking about pictures of outrageous things such as a child who is covered in maxi pads or something funny, I am talking about pictures of flowers, beaches and sunsets. They are pretty but I’ve seen a lot of sunsets and while they don’t all look the same they do kind of.

I Can’t Figure Out How To Leave a Comment

I am surprised that there are so many blogs that have very confusing comment systems. I don’t know if this is a design flaw or what but if I don’t see a link at the bottom of the post to leave a comment I get really frustrated. There are a couple of blogs where I can see that there are comments but there is no clear path to leave or read the comment. Often I have to stumble around clicking on the actual post page to find it. It’s too bad because I want to leave a comment but I just can’t get to the place to do so. Leave some directions at the bottom of your post or get a new comment system.

It’s Another Review or Giveaway and I Don’t Want What You Are Giving Away

Again, I don’t think people who do reviews and giveaways are looking specifically for comments so I don’t worry about these too much but unless I actually want to win what you are giving away I probably won’t leave a comment. I try to comment on reviews because they are sponsored and I know leaving a comment helps the blogger get more items to review. If you are doing a review of designer jeans then by all means make it an interesting review. Don’t just say the jeans look great. Talk about how they make your ass look ten years younger. Unfortunately a lot of reviews bloggers do these day are for products they haven’t actually seen. If they don’t give you the product to actually review and you are going to be making something up anyway, make it awesome.  Some bloggers can do great reviews and giveaways that are entertaining while others just describe the product and link to it. If you want readers to participate make them smile, you will get a lot more comments that way.

It’s a Meme Post With All Kinds of Rules

I run across these posts more and more each day. Maybe it’s because it’s summer and we all want to be doing outside things rather than sitting at our computers begging people to visit but these just seem lazy and almost deceptive to me. They are obviously meant to increase followers but simply linking up to a blogger because they have a Mr. Linky doesn’t guarantee that those readers are going to stick around after the link up is completed.  Some of these are really interesting but there are just too many rules. Link up, write a post, link back to this post, leave a comment telling me you linked, and of course answer whatever questions are part of the meme. These are great for new bloggers, it can be a great way to meet other bloggers, but don’t do it more than once a month. Take the time to write an actual post. These remind me of that kid we all knew growing up who had great toys so kids played with him because he had great toys, and only because he had great toys. If the kid didn’t have any great toys no one would play with him because he didn’t have much of a personality and certainly no imagination. Meme posts feel like bribery to me.

There Is No Call To Action

It’s always a good idea to leave a call to action in the last paragraph of your post. Did you just spend three paragraphs talking about your bunion? If so you best ask for people to tell their stories about their bunions in your comment section. Believe me, people will fill your comment section with stories of their bunions but sometimes you have to ask.

You Don’t Respond To Your Own Comments

I’ve mentioned this before but I will usually go back to see if the blogger has responded to my comment. I try to leave witty and interesting comments and because I like my ego stroked I go back to see if the blogger thought I was as witty as I did. I’m easy and an “LOL” is enough to keep me coming back. Sadly many bloggers never comment back to their commenters. Leaving their comments just waving in the wind. Responding to comments is one of the best ways to engage your readers so they come back time and time again.

You Have So Many Ads and Shit On Your Blog That I Am Just Pissed Off and I Don’t Want To Leave a Comment

I’m all for making money with your blog, I have no problem with whoring out your blog at all, but if you have a million different Adsense ads, Amazon links, and other crap all over your blog it gets to be obnoxious. I don’t click on Adsense ads unless I am truly interested in them and since I have become completely immune to them I don’t see them anymore so I’m not going to click on them. If you are going to beg you should just put a donate button on your site and be truthful about the whole thing. You will probably make a lot more money and you won’t alienate any readers. Having all that blinking crap on your blog keeps people from actually reading your content, and you might have great content but no one can stay through all the videos, slide shows and other shit to actually read your content. Of course it might just be that people with all this stuff have nothing to say and aren’t really interested in their readers. They just want clicks, they don’t want to make friends.

Your Post Is Offensive

Either you swear way too much or you are just going for shock value, or you are just plain offensive. I get sad when I come to these posts because usually they start off really funny and then they take a wrong turn and become racist or homophobic and then I have to leave. I swear in my posts but usually only when necessary or to make the point stronger. Don’t use swear words unless they are necessary, and sometimes they are, but a little goes a long way.

Your Posts Aren’t Interesting

Big shout out and thank you to The Mother for mentioning this one in the comments. Most of the blogosphere is filled with these blogs. If you aren’t getting comments take a good hard look at your post. Ask someone who doesn’t know you all that well to tell you if your posts are interesting or just wasting space.

Make Friends With Margaret from NannygoatsINpanties.com

If you can get her to visit your blog you won’t need anyone else to comment.

So that my dear friends is what gives. If you aren’t getting as many comments as you would like try some of these suggestions and see what happens. If you have any suggestions for increasing comments please leave them in the comment section.

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So last week I mentioned that I was looking for sponsors for my relationship with James (if you missed the story you can go here and read how I came to decide that sponsors were necessary), lo and behold quite a few sponsors have stepped forward and offered their services or support.

The first sponsor is Cardiogirl

who sponsored two Diet Cokes for us when we finally meet up. Since it’s been a while since I had a first date, and even longer to never since I had one planned and canceled for months in a row, leading to all kinds of build up and anxiety, I promise you I will be drinking something stronger than Diet Coke. Anyone want to sponsor a shot of Captain Morgan?

HairIGo donated his and hers haircuts and waxings. Not bikini waxing, don’t get all excited, we don’t do that in Minnesota. They offered to get rid of any unibrow either of us might have going on. HairIgo is an amazing salon so this is going to be a real treat.

An anonymous donor has suggested we play Bingo on our first date. I don’t think I have played bingo since Alice Reed’s seventh birthday party when I would have won had I not been goofing around and missed the call to the winning letter/number combination. I think I cried and they gave me a prize anyway but it was traumatic and embarrassing so I haven’t played since. Minnesota has tons of places to play bingo so it really isn’t a bad idea. And nothing brings two people together like sitting in a smoke filled VFW with a bunch of old ladies who have their own bingo daubers, and aren’t afraid to use them.

There are other donors as well and I will be posting a page where they will be featured in the next day or so.  We’ve also had some local press interest and as soon as I know the details I will let you know. If you would like to donate you can leave a comment or send me an email. When the page goes up there will be a section where you, the reader, can vote on where we go next as well as information about sponsoring for corporations and individuals. Sponsors will be featured on the sidebar, in the posts and on the pages dedicated to these updates.

We are trying again this weekend, James says he has everything figured out and all I have to do is show up. James is going to quickly learn that I am not a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl but I’ll go along with him because it will probably make a good post. As long as I don’t get my hair wet, all should be good.