Advice | Redhead Ranting

When Can I Mow My Lawn?

Filed under Advice, Things that piss me off by Jen on May 16, 2010 at 11:56 am {69 comments}

: Image via Wikipedia

I usually mow my lawn on the weekends because that is when my neighbors on both sides of me mow their lawns. I do this because I don’t want my lawn to look crappy when theirs looks freshly cut. There is a certain rhythm to the neighborhood, lawn mowing is one of those things that is a dance (insert Lawn Mower Dance scene from She’s Having a Baby with Kevin Bacon, which I couldn’t find). However, we’ve had a couple of new neighbors move in on the block recently and they haven’t yet learned the steps to this complicated dance.

1. Don’t mow your lawn before noon on Sunday.

Anytime after 9am is perfectly acceptable on a Saturday but before noon on a Sunday is just going to get you banned from the block party. The people on my block work hard all week long. They like to let loose a little on Saturday. This means no noise on Sunday mornings. You can mow your lawn after church, when even God doesn’t mind.

2. Weed Whacking isn’t necessary each week.

If you use your weed whacker more than twice a month you are just showing off. Whack your weeds way down to the ground so you don’t have to make that infernal noise more than necessary. Mowing the lawn once a week is a necessity, weed whacking is just annoying, do it sparingly. Just because you have a hemi in your weed whacker doesn’t mean you penis is any bigger than the rest of us.

3. It’s unfair to mow your grass on a Tuesday.

Keep with the schedule so all of our lawns look nice at the same time. When you mow on a Tuesday you are highlighting all the other lawns that haven’t been cut since Saturday and we all know you are just going to cut it again on the weekend.

4. Resodding is cheating.

Unless you are selling your house it is unlawful to resod you lawn. It’s the easy way out and not appreciated by the other neighbors who will smile and pat you on the back for taking the plunge but behind your back will make fun of you and call you lazy. If you want a perfect lawn that isn’t filled with crab grass, creeping Charlie and dandelions then get out there with a pick and start weeding like everyone else. Remember, if it’s green, it’s your lawn. If you can’t handle the weeds then move to the suburbs where they don’t grow.

5. Push mowers are for pussies.

People who are serious about their lawns fill their garage with all kinds of gas powered grooming tools. We spend the spring tuning up our machines to make sure they start on the first pull. In the fall we must choose one Sunday to start the mower and let it run until it is out of gas. We don’t care about the environment if it means our lawn suffers for it. If you have a push mower it means you probably don’t use weed killer or other environmentally toxic chemicals on your lawn and you probably let your dandelions go to seed. It’s neighbors like you that piss the rest of us off because your environmentally conscious lawn means more weeds for those of us downwind from you. We might invite you to the block party but you are going to have to bring your own beer.

Easily Make Your Lawn Look Great! (gomestic.com)
Lawn Mower Scooter makes weekend chores more fun (dvice.com)
Blooming and lush green lawn facts (slideshare.net)
Everything You Need to Know About Modern Lawn Mowers [Outdoors] (lifehacker.com)

What Women Want

Filed under Advice by Jen on May 12, 2010 at 10:55 am {112 comments}

What do women want?

Since time began men have been pulling their hair out trying to answer this question. If men could just figure out what women want their lives would be so much easier and peaceful. Unfortunately most men try to find the answer to this question by asking their buddies, usually single buddies. They never go to the source to find the answer to this question. Which is really not surprising given how men are unwilling to ask for directions. So listen up men, because I love you guys, and because I am a giving kind of person, I am here to answer that age old question of what women really want. Thank you.

1. Women want to be treated just like men.

Currently women are making 75.5 cents for every dollar men earn. If we perform the job just as well as men we ought to be paid the same as men. Unless that job involves killing hairy spiders or cleaning out septic tanks, then we’re okay with the whole inequality thing because there is no way we want to kill the spiders and suck out the sludge. We’ll stand there and hold the shovel.

2. Women do not want to be objectified

When you talk to us we would really appreciate it if you would look at our eyes. Unless, of course, we just spent $75 on a really great push up bra, in which case we want you to notice our perky breasts, but only for a few seconds.

3. Women want foreplay

Real foreplay, not a 15 second back rub the minute we sit down after a day of working 10 hours at our 75.5 cent to your dollar job and then helping with homework, cooking, cleaning and all things mom. If you want to get us in the mood then run a load of laundry from start to finish and don’t ask us to praise you for it. Just do it.

4. Women don’t want to be asked stupid questions

Kathy from The Junk Drawer summed this up nicely:

There is no question from my husband I hate more in the world than “Are these dishes clean?”
O. M. F. G. Can’t you just LOOK and SEE if they’re clean????? If there are not chunks of breakfast, lunch or dinner on anything inside, then go ahead and assume they are clean. And while you’re at it, EMPTY IT!

5. Women want to be understood

We really want you to understand what it means when we say fine. It means that no matter what you say we have won the argument and you would be best off apologizing if you want to make the fight go away. We want you to know that there are a few days each month when we are a little crabby, maybe weepy and we NEED chocolate. Stop eating our stash.

It’s pretty simple.

Pay us the same, kill the spiders, do some laundry, stop eating our chocolate.

Oh, and pick up your wet towels and dirty socks.

The Facts of Middle Aging

Filed under Advice, Kids by Jen on February 10, 2009 at 7:45 am {20 comments}

: Image by Kevin Severud via Flickr

Why isn’t there a book on middle aging? There is a book to explain to us where we come from, what happens during puberty, all sorts of books on when we start having sex, books about what to expect when we are expecting and books about what to expect before we die. Nothing in the middle. There is about 30 to 50 years of uncovered territory there. And I need to know now because most of this is a mystery to me.

Sure they tell us about short arm disease and there are books and magazines devoted to telling us what to do while we are middle aged, like buying that red convertible or having an affair, but where are the books that explain the other things?

I understand why we don’t tell potential parents about parenthood. I understand that if we told potential parents that they wouldn’t get eight hours of sleep, in one night, again for the next 18 years they wouldn’t bother having kids. I understand that if we explained to them the worry that fills our brains ever day about our children they wouldn’t believe us. I understand that if we told them their house and their belongings would never be as they liked them again and that they would never have any money no matter how many hours they slaved they wouldn’t want to bring the next generation to life. I understand that if we were to tell them that they would lose all intelligent thought for the next two decades they would laugh at us and say we were crazy. I get that. It’s important to keep that information from the under 20 crowd.

What I don’t understand is why keep the facts of aging from the aging? It isn’t as if we can avoid the process. Why didn’t anyone tell me that my joints would start to ache before it rains and that when I kneel down to help my child tie her shoe she has to help me get back up? Why didn’t anyone tell me that my hearing would stop being selective after a while and I would have to constantly say “what?” when the person talking to me is five feet away? I’d like to know where all the veins came from on my hands? They were never there before. Where did the fat on my legs go? They used to be sort of shapely and now they are just skinny and undefined. I know where the fat went, it’s on my ass and around my middle but why did it decide to go north when everything else has gone south?

I expect a few gray hairs, I have been plucking them out from my head for years. One here and one there. The other morning I looked in the mirror and saw what I thought was a grey hair on my temple. I plucked it out only to find that there was another one. And another one. I plucked out ten grey hairs that were not there the night before. How does this happen? And no one, no one, ever mentioned anything about grey pubes.