This has been a crappy summer. If it isn’t raining, which it usually is, it’s too hot and humid to go outside.  And we aren’t getting rain in small increments, we’re getting rain in 2 inch downpours. So that means my grass is still really dry because when it rains it all runs into the street and eventually into the river.

Because of all the rain I have had children inside my house for the last 6 weeks. Lots of children, or at least it seems that way when they take over the living room with their Webkinz, Barbies and Beanie Babies.

Because of all the children I have spent my days cooking, or at least preparing food, cleaning, and nagging. I haven’t had a lot of time for the internet though I am trying.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I don’t really have anything to write about today but felt it was important to say something. I actually considered lying and telling you that my computer was on the fritz but that would be lying and when I lie I get all red in the face and you can tell I’m lying. So I didn’t do that, my computer works just fine. Of course, now I have jinxed it.

Anyway, while I try to come up with something interesting to say please head on over to some of these blogs to read something entertaining.

The Mother has been writing about motherhood and all things women and medicine for some time now, this series is so entertaining and informative you will need to take some time to take it all in. Her Nefarious History of Motherhood is an ongoing series chronicling the wild and wacky history of obstetrics and gynecology. You will be thankful you live in today’s modern world.

Superficial Gallery is holding a contest that you might find to be a lot of fun called Picture Perfect.

If you are like me you probably haven’t read or seen the any of the Twilight movies, that’s okay because the Fledgling Blogger tells you all about it.

Jennifer has unveiled this years Chipmunk Hotel. It’s quite stunning and makes me feel horrible that I reach for my slingshot rather than build a five star hotel for the rodents in my backyard.

I don’t consider myself a creative writer, I’m just not that…creative. However there are two bloggers I know who are participating in Magpie Tales and they are wonderful. The Cat Lady and From Roses to Rainbows. Both are wonderful writers, I wish I had their talent.

The Tribal Blogs redo is still underway, I am sorry it is taking longer than I originally thought it would. It will be worth the extended wait and I will tell you all about it as soon as I can.

I often hear bloggers complain that they don’t get many comments. They have done all the right things, they tell me, they have written great content, joined blog communities and promoted their posts, they have visited other sites and commented but they still aren’t getting any comments, or at least very few, on their blog.  What gives?

I’ll tell you what gives.

Word Verification

Sometimes called Captcha but I just call it a comment killer. I hate word verification because it’s one more step and one I often get wrong. I am mildly dyslexic and Captchas or word verifications mess me up. If they were real words it wouldn’t be so bad but most of the time they are not words at all, just a string of letters that almost resemble a word which means I type the word I think it should be rather than the pretend word it is. The worst part about word verification is that often you don’t know someone has it until after you have taken the time to write a compelling comment. I have written many comments only to abandon them because I could not replicate the fake word. Sometimes they are case sensitive and sometimes they are not. I give it the college try and usually try three times but after that I leave. I realize people use these to keep spam out but by using word verification you are keeping real comments out.

Your Post Is Too Long

I’m guilty of this all the time so I really shouldn’t bitch about it but if you run on and on about your day and don’t throw anything amusing or dramatic in there I probably won’t stick around to comment. Not because I don’t want to but because I just don’t have the time to read a thousand word post at the moment. I want to and I often bookmark it to come back later but sometimes I scroll down to see how long the post goes on for and decide I just don’t have the time. I realize a lot of readers do this with me. I know I go on for way too long sometimes, most of the time. Thanks to all of you who read to the end and then throw in your two cents. It’s much appreciated.

Picture Posts

Part of me loves picture posts (and by picture posts I mean there is no text, just a picture or two) because I enjoy the pictures and the posts themselves don’t take any time to read. Unfortunately I get stumped for what to say except for a lame “Great picture”. I assume these posts are fillers for bloggers and they don’t really care if they get a ton of comments on them or not. I’m not talking about pictures of outrageous things such as a child who is covered in maxi pads or something funny, I am talking about pictures of flowers, beaches and sunsets. They are pretty but I’ve seen a lot of sunsets and while they don’t all look the same they do kind of.

I Can’t Figure Out How To Leave a Comment

I am surprised that there are so many blogs that have very confusing comment systems. I don’t know if this is a design flaw or what but if I don’t see a link at the bottom of the post to leave a comment I get really frustrated. There are a couple of blogs where I can see that there are comments but there is no clear path to leave or read the comment. Often I have to stumble around clicking on the actual post page to find it. It’s too bad because I want to leave a comment but I just can’t get to the place to do so. Leave some directions at the bottom of your post or get a new comment system.

It’s Another Review or Giveaway and I Don’t Want What You Are Giving Away

Again, I don’t think people who do reviews and giveaways are looking specifically for comments so I don’t worry about these too much but unless I actually want to win what you are giving away I probably won’t leave a comment. I try to comment on reviews because they are sponsored and I know leaving a comment helps the blogger get more items to review. If you are doing a review of designer jeans then by all means make it an interesting review. Don’t just say the jeans look great. Talk about how they make your ass look ten years younger. Unfortunately a lot of reviews bloggers do these day are for products they haven’t actually seen. If they don’t give you the product to actually review and you are going to be making something up anyway, make it awesome.  Some bloggers can do great reviews and giveaways that are entertaining while others just describe the product and link to it. If you want readers to participate make them smile, you will get a lot more comments that way.

It’s a Meme Post With All Kinds of Rules

I run across these posts more and more each day. Maybe it’s because it’s summer and we all want to be doing outside things rather than sitting at our computers begging people to visit but these just seem lazy and almost deceptive to me. They are obviously meant to increase followers but simply linking up to a blogger because they have a Mr. Linky doesn’t guarantee that those readers are going to stick around after the link up is completed.  Some of these are really interesting but there are just too many rules. Link up, write a post, link back to this post, leave a comment telling me you linked, and of course answer whatever questions are part of the meme. These are great for new bloggers, it can be a great way to meet other bloggers, but don’t do it more than once a month. Take the time to write an actual post. These remind me of that kid we all knew growing up who had great toys so kids played with him because he had great toys, and only because he had great toys. If the kid didn’t have any great toys no one would play with him because he didn’t have much of a personality and certainly no imagination. Meme posts feel like bribery to me.

There Is No Call To Action

It’s always a good idea to leave a call to action in the last paragraph of your post. Did you just spend three paragraphs talking about your bunion? If so you best ask for people to tell their stories about their bunions in your comment section. Believe me, people will fill your comment section with stories of their bunions but sometimes you have to ask.

You Don’t Respond To Your Own Comments

I’ve mentioned this before but I will usually go back to see if the blogger has responded to my comment. I try to leave witty and interesting comments and because I like my ego stroked I go back to see if the blogger thought I was as witty as I did. I’m easy and an “LOL” is enough to keep me coming back. Sadly many bloggers never comment back to their commenters. Leaving their comments just waving in the wind. Responding to comments is one of the best ways to engage your readers so they come back time and time again.

You Have So Many Ads and Shit On Your Blog That I Am Just Pissed Off and I Don’t Want To Leave a Comment

I’m all for making money with your blog, I have no problem with whoring out your blog at all, but if you have a million different Adsense ads, Amazon links, and other crap all over your blog it gets to be obnoxious. I don’t click on Adsense ads unless I am truly interested in them and since I have become completely immune to them I don’t see them anymore so I’m not going to click on them. If you are going to beg you should just put a donate button on your site and be truthful about the whole thing. You will probably make a lot more money and you won’t alienate any readers. Having all that blinking crap on your blog keeps people from actually reading your content, and you might have great content but no one can stay through all the videos, slide shows and other shit to actually read your content. Of course it might just be that people with all this stuff have nothing to say and aren’t really interested in their readers. They just want clicks, they don’t want to make friends.

Your Post Is Offensive

Either you swear way too much or you are just going for shock value, or you are just plain offensive. I get sad when I come to these posts because usually they start off really funny and then they take a wrong turn and become racist or homophobic and then I have to leave. I swear in my posts but usually only when necessary or to make the point stronger. Don’t use swear words unless they are necessary, and sometimes they are, but a little goes a long way.

Your Posts Aren’t Interesting

Big shout out and thank you to The Mother for mentioning this one in the comments. Most of the blogosphere is filled with these blogs. If you aren’t getting comments take a good hard look at your post. Ask someone who doesn’t know you all that well to tell you if your posts are interesting or just wasting space.

Make Friends With Margaret from NannygoatsINpanties.com

If you can get her to visit your blog you won’t need anyone else to comment.

So that my dear friends is what gives. If you aren’t getting as many comments as you would like try some of these suggestions and see what happens. If you have any suggestions for increasing comments please leave them in the comment section.

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Remember that book by John Fowles, or the movie adapted by Harold Pinter with Meryl Streep and Jeremy Irons? The French Lieutenant’s Woman was a very long story written by a great writer about the story within a story. I read it in college and recall there was a lot of jumping around. See the movie, it makes more sense.

You probably don’t have a clue what I am talking about and honestly the analogy made a lot more sense before I typed it out but bear with me (I actually had to Google that phrase, I’m never sure if it’s bare with me or bear with me. I know bare with me means to get naked with me but how does one become a bear with other people?).

This is why I haven’t been able to put out a decent post lately, my mind is off in all kinds of directions.

Continue to bear with me, I will get there.

Anyway, a few months ago I wrote a post called Boyfriend or Blog. I basically told the world that it was time for me to meet a guy and start dating again. I had a few prerequisites however, such as the guy needed to know about computers and accept my need to blog. I said I needed a geek who was okay with me blasting our relationship all over the internet.

Now if you are a believer in The Secret you will be pleased to know that by posting that piece I indeed met a guy who fit that description. Of course blasting my desire to meet a guy to the whole world probably had something to do with it. But still, I put it out there no matter how firmly my tongue was planted in my cheek, and someone responded.

Just one, but still, one is all that is needed. And I’m not all that choosy anymore. Seriously, go look in the comments and you can see the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

So James and I started conversing through my comments, he was even grilled by a few readers. Eventually, they decided he was okay for me to date and we took our courtship to gmail. Not long after that, and because both of us tend to talk a lot and the emails were getting way to long, we moved to phone conversations.

Which is where the relationship has been ever since.

We’ve actually set up several first meetings but for different reasons that first date has been canceled, at least four times now.

We were supposed to go out last weekend, all of our kids from previous marriages (and there are a lot of previous marriages between the two of us) were with their other parent. So there was a lot of pressure on this date, at least from my perspective.

It’s been a while since I dated so I needed to do a few things to prepare myself. I got a hair cut and actually had some things waxed. Not that thing, I can use something like this for that. I went shopping for something to wear, since I didn’t think it best to make that first impression in sweat pants and ripped t-shirt. I actually considered wearing a dress but I don’t own any dresses except one of my wedding dresses and the dress I wear to all the funerals I’ve been going to lately.

See that last paragraph? That is the story within the story, or the blog post within the blog post. I considered that paragraph last week and decided that there were a couple of spots that could be easily monetized. I actually contacted the PR people at Proctor and Gamble and told them about my story and where I planned on linking to their product. I asked if they wanted to sponsor the post. They politely declined, said it wasn’t there policy to compensate bloggers for editorial coverage, and then sent me all kinds of information on the product to include in my post. I was not going home empty handed, I just couldn’t. I asked if they had any of the bikini kits they could send me so I could have a giveaway for my readers. Because dammit, someone is going to get something if I am going to give away a prime spot in a blog post that is way too long and all over the place. So they sent me two kits. One of which I am going to keep and the other I am going to giveaway but I don’t know how yet.

I think it was JD from I Do Things who coined the phrase “it’s not worth doing if you can’t blog about it” or she’s the one who says it all the time, not sure which, but it doesn’t matter because it is still true.

Luckily for me James is just as deeply devoted to Web 2.0 as I am and sees the marketing potential in this relationship. You see, James is about to become a published author, a real one, not just a self publishing author, not that there is anything wrong with that. His first book is due out next March so we’ve been trying to figure out a way to capitalize on that. Okay, he doesn’t need to capitalize on it, I do. But, whatever.

I saw this article and thought the possibilities were endless. I even sent the link to James which was kinda risky because it talks about marriage and we haven’t even met. But James likes marriage so he wasn’t scared off.

So, if there are any restaurants in the St. Paul/ Minneapolis area that would like to sponsor our first date please leave a comment. And by sponsor I mean give us the works for free, there will be blogging about it after the fact. Neither one of us is picky but neither of us likes liver and onions and James has issues with onion rings. Okay, James might be a little picky. We’re open to activities too so if you own a paint ball place or something fun like that please let me know.

Stay tuned readers, I’m going to get this relationship sponsored and you get to read all about it.

Ever have one of those days (or weeks) when you can’t think of anything worth writing about? I’m stuck in one of those right now. It seems everything that even resembles an idea is lame or just too much work.

My daughter found a caterpillar last week and it’s already built a cocoon but how do you get more than a sentence or two out of that? It also requires pictures and I just don’t feel like going through the hassle. Fear not, in a couple of weeks we will have a butterfly and I will post about it then.

I have been meaning to write a post about my love for all things The History Channel but it isn’t unfolding very well. I have the hook but nothing else.

I have lots of ideas but none of them are jumping out at me. Instead I have a blank page staring back at me and yet I must post something just to get the death of Rue Mclanahan off my front page.

So just for you dear readers, I am going to divulge my steps for coming up a with a post when there is nothing to write about.

1. Talk about the real world.

Everyone and their brother has talked about the oil leak. And they have all done it better than I could hope to.

2. Visit other bloggers.

What are your fellow bloggers talking about on their pages? Maybe you could borrow an idea from them.

3. Review something.

Anything. Review your dog’s new flea collar or the store brand dish washing detergent you just bought. Everyone really wants to know about those things, right?

4. Post your favorite recipe.

So what if no one is cooking right now, you could always post about your trip to Papa Murphy’s.

5. Write a list post.

When all else fails, write a post with a list in it telling your readers how do to something you can’t do.

Summer is here and already I have noticed a drop in my traffic. It took a dive last weekend for Memorial Day but in all honesty it started dropping when the weather got warmer.

This has been standard for me since I have been blogging so I don’t worry about it too much but I would really like to prevent or at the very least lessen the drop. I am much busier in the summer months because the kids are home. This leaves me less time to read all the blogs I would like and even less time to write posts others might like to read.

With a little planning and organization you can stop the summer slide or at least lessen the fall.

1. Give and you shall receive.

You get what you give, this fact doesn’t change just because the weather is warmer, in fact it makes it harder. You have to stand out with your comments, make them count. The more blogs you comment on the more people will comment back. Try to devote an hour each day to commenting on other blogs. Of course, bloggers write less during the summer months so you can spread yourself to more blogs a little easier.

2. Write killer posts

You aren’t only competing with other blogs and websites but you are also competing with the outdoors and children home from school. Think about your readers and write articles they will find useful and entertaining. Keep them short since there isn’t much time to capture their attention. Speaking of which, make sure your titles are attention grabbers. Keep the titles short too so they don’t have to be shortened for Twitter.

3. Keep up with Facebook

Facebook is a great way to draw attention to your blog posts. If you put a ‘like’ button at the end of your post and someone ‘likes’ it then it will be displayed on their wall. This should go without saying but make sure your blog URL is displayed prominently on your Facebook page. If you are active on Facebook others will want to learn more about you and will visit your blog.

4. Stumble, Digg and Tweet

Stumble, Digg and Twitter are great ways to get instant traffic to your site. If you are Stumbled by a power Stumbler you can expect to have a nice spike in traffic in the hundreds if not thousands of hits in a very short period of time. People aren’t going to Stumble, Digg or Tweet your posts if you don’t Stumble, Digg and Tweet their posts. If you don’t have accounts for these social networks now is a great time to set them up. Most bloggers have added buttons on their posts so you can easily Stumble, Digg or Tweet their posts.

5. Join Tribal Blogs

Yeah, it’s a little self serving but the truth is the networking that is going on there is generating lots of traffic and lots of support. Having your blog in the toolbar gets you traffic in the same way Entrecard would but the people visiting are engaging and comment fiends. You can also ask for Stumbles, Tweets and Diggs and the Tribal Blog members will do you up.

These are just a few ways you can prevent the summer slide, if you have any you would like to share please leave them in the comments.

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It’s come way too early this year. Last year my annual complain about the heat post was published on June 23rd, that’s nearly a whole month early. The first annual complain about the heat post didn’t happen until July 16th of 2008. Clearly global warming is not just a theory.

To make matters worse I have a sick kid. I’m just throwing that out there because I need sympathy. I’m tired, hot and crabby. I’m going to be so much fun when menopause kicks in in about ten years.

Yesterday the temperature reached 98 degrees Fahrenheit with humidity levels in the tropical zone. I had my heat on a week ago.

Because of the boy’s broken wrist I have not gotten the window air conditioners in yet. Yeah, I could do it but that would mean going into the hot as hell attic and dragging the damn thing down, putting it in a window and all that other stuff. The boy doesn’t have a whole lot of jobs around the house, he is mostly in charge of keeping his grades up so he can get into a great college, get an advanced degree in something and then support his mother after that. At least that is my retirement plan. Luckily we spent the day at the orthopedists office yesterday and he has been given the all clear sign. He doesn’t have to wear the brace anymore and we don’t have to see the doctor anymore. So today he is installing air conditioners when he gets home from school.

Because it is so hot I haven’t got anything amusing to say, however some other bloggers haven’t been hit by the heat yet and have managed to say some hilarious things.

Tracy over at I Hate My Message Board has written another one of her famous food posts, this one is about soda, or pop for you living in the midwest. She even links to her famous Chicken in a Can post so be sure to check that out. I must warn you her food posts are not for people with weak stomachs.

Kathy, from the Junk Drawer, prompted by my last post, tells her story of children starting fires for Jesus.

Margaret from Nanny Goats in Panties has her cute goat on. You can’t stop yourself from saying “Awwww”. This post has also been an inspiration for an upcoming post, can you guess what I am going to talk about?

JD from I Do Things has thankfully contemplated those damn dingleberry commercials, so we don’t have to. Be fore warned, the comments are graphic, highly amusing but graphic nonetheless.

Don’t forget to submit your photos for Friday’s How Did We Survive post. I’ve already received some hilarious photos. It was pointed out to me that a lot of times these moments of survival weren’t captured on film so if you have a story you would like to share please feel free to submit that as well. This will be a linky love post so be sure to send me your blog URL and your name or moniker so I can link to your blog.

And while I am sending you all over the internet please be sure to check out Tribal Blogs. We are having all kinds of fun over there. We are networking and learning all kinds of great blogging tips.

Stay cool everyone!