I was asked to write a guest post about the top ten things men do that drive women crazy. I came up with the standard ones, leaving the toilet seat up, farting, hands down their pants, that kind of thing, but I couldn’t come up with ten and my post went horribly in the wrong direction. The post was rejected and I was given a different topic to write about.

Since I do not live with a man anymore, at least not at present( and the 17 year old boy doesn’t count because I am raising him not to do those things, though he does anyway), I wasn’t able to come up with any more than those three or four. And they all seemed really petty to me now, though they did drive me crazy then.

But I wonder what things men and women do that drive each other bonkers.

Here is the original post:

There have been a million articles written about the things men do that irritate their women. We all  know that leaving the toilet seat up, clipping their nails anywhere but the bathroom, spending the weekend on the couch with their hands down their pants and performing  Dutch Ovens are things that drive women mad. Which is probably why men do these things.

Let’s face it, men, specifically married men, have gotten a bad rap in the last decade or so. They are usually portrayed as big dumb oafs on sitcoms and television commercials.  They stumble through life not knowing what to do. Thankfully they have their smart wife to steer them through life’s challenges.

I’m not going to perpetuate that myth. I love men. I do. And my track record of two marriages and two subsequent divorces proves it. At present I have been single just long enough to appreciate all the great things about men.

Now that I am single I have to kill all the icky things myself. If a toilet gets backed up I have to plunge it out. My last ex husband was a phenomenal cook, I ate well when I was married. So what that he couldn’t put a dish in the dishwasher to save his life, I had a three course meal prepared for me every day we were together.

If something needed repairing my guy could do it. Sure I had to nag all the time but isn’t that what he wanted me to do?

Even though I am divorced I haven’t lost the ability to look and act pathetic when something goes wrong. I can convey that ineptness over the phone and my ex husband will come over and fix just about anything. As long as I have cold beer in the fridge.

Not too long ago I was given a glimpse of what a great guy my ex husband really is. I was having surgery and he offered to hang out at the hospital and wait to see that I was okay. He took the day off of work, drove me to the hospital, waited for hours while they prepped and performed the surgery and then waited in recovery with me while I came off all the drugs they used to put me under. He didn’t even bring a video camera to capture all the bizarre things I was saying.

It gave me great comfort to know that someone was out there waiting for me, that someone cared enough about me to take a day off of work and watch game shows while I had surgery on my girlie parts.  He wasn’t obligated to do any of that. When he stopped at the drugstore on the way home to pick up the necessary feminine protection products and purchased them himself, I was reminded of what a great guy he really is.

We women forget that about our men. We complain to our girlfriends that all they do is hang out in the garage, go fishing with their friends, never spend enough time with us, never stroke our egos enough and all those other top ten things they do to irritate the hell out of us. When they do the little things like buying tampons or plunging out that backed up toilet we often take it for granted.

I’d take nail clippings and Dutch Ovens any day.

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Do you text, or txt, message? If you are under the age of 30 you probably do and don’t think twice about it. If you are over the age of 30 you probably struggle a bit with the whole thing.

I do text message. Reluctantly. I don’t really like to but in some cases it is the only way to communicate with people in my little world. My son has a cell phone but the school scrambles the phone lines during classes. They aren’t able to do the same with text messaging. So if I want to get a message to him during the day I have to text him. Ex#2 is not allowed to talk on his phone during work so I also have to text him if I need to get a message to him. My brother just prefers to use text messaging so if I want to talk to him I have to text him to call me.

I am one of those people who writes out every word in a text message. This is probably why I don’t care to do it all that often. typing with one or two fingers on a tiny little screen takes patience and concentration, two things I lack.

Today I had to text Ex#2 to remind him to take our daughter to an after school activity.

Me: Will you take M to her music lesson today after school? Let me know, thanks, J

His response: k

Just “k”. Presumably that means “okay” but who knows, he could have hit the keypad incorrectly and sent it off on accident. Not likely but you never know. This is my baby and I want to know that she is “k” at all times. I don’t think communicating in English is such a bad thing. Lord knows her father and I don’t communicate all that well to begin with so I don’t think I am asking too much.

Of course I am, that’s probably the biggest contributing reason we are divorced, we are not able to communicate, but I can always hope can’t I?

My son is a different story altogether. I text him something in full English and he knows he must respond the same way or I will not respond to his text messages in the future. I have taught him well, if I do say so myself.

Me: Did you hand in that note I gave you to the office today?

Him: Yes, mom. I did it as soon as I arrived to school.

Me: Thank you, honey.

Him: You are welcome, mother.

There might be a little sarcasm in his text messages but since I can’t hear his tone of voice I am assuming he is just a lovely and polite son.

He doesn’t text this way to his friends. He is bilingual.

Him: r u driving 2 robotics?

Friend: no rn’t u?

I can’t even make a decent example of real text messaging. My fingers and my brain just won’t get on the same page, but you get the drift.

I know why I can’t text like a teenager. I’m not one. I learned how to type in 7th grade with all the other girls in my class. Boys didn’t need to learn how to type since they would have women to do that for them. I type faster than I think. This should be obvious if you have read any of my posts or comments. I get ahead of myself and if someone talks to me while I am typing I have to hit the backspace key until I find where my thoughts were interrupted.

In my head I can’t make the switch to text messaging lingo. I can’t say R when I mean “Are”.

I blame Prince and his Revolution for this. He started using U instead of “you” decades ago. His song “I Would Die for U” is probably the first record of text messaging making it into everyday language, and we didn’t even have text messaging back then.

Damn you Prince.

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I was blazing through the season.  I put up my lights and started decorating the house for the holidays, I watched animated Christmas specials from the 70′s with my six year old, and enjoyed them more than she did. I baked and baked.

And then I hit the wall.

I don’t know what happened except that the reality of the season probably took over.

I start out each holiday season the same. I have high hopes, I believe.

I watch Lifetime holiday specials. And I never watch Lifetime.

You know the kind of movies I’m talking about. The hapless single (usually widowed) mom who manages to have a successful career going but has been unlucky in love. Somehow a stranger ends up at her doorstep a few days before Christmas. She takes him in (she is a successful businesswoman with the common sense of a fruit fly of course), and he ends up cooking wonderful meals for her and her young son (who just needs a guy around to make his life perfect), fixing her German car when it breaks down in the middle of traffic (all the while she is telling him that she can handle it herself), and looking great the whole time.

Eventually (Christmas Eve) they fall in love and live happily ever after.

I hate these movies.

But I watch them anyway.

I watch them because I figure maybe I am doing something wrong and I can learn from these movies.

So far no stranger has knocked on my door, if one did I would let him in and show him to my kitchen and then introduce him to my truck and my kids.

But so far no man, studly or not has knocked on my door looking to change the life of a single mom.

I am the Charlie Brown of the holiday season.

I have received three Christmas cards. One from my aunt, one from my brother (who couldn’t even bother to sign the photo he sent) and one from my paper delivery person (with a conveniently enclosed self addressed envelope).

I understand that Christmas cards are like blog comments. If I want them I have to send them out, the year before.

Last year sucked(there are too many posts to highlight from last year but it culminated in my washer, dryer, furnace and dishwasher breaking down in about three days time and I was severely broke. I think a toilet overflowed flooding the basement too. It really sucked)  and I never got around to sending out Christmas cards so I have been axed from everyone’s list.

Which really sucks because it took me years to recover from no cards after each divorce.

I’d been sending out cards to people who dropped me, family included, for three years trying to recoup the amount of holiday cheer I used to receive. And I was there last year when all hell broke loose and I dropped the ball.

I still haven’t sent out my cards this year because I’m not really sure who to send them to. Do I continue to send them to people who don’t send them to me? Do I start using the phone book, choosing random people in the hopes that I haven’t sent them too late this season so I get some back?

I don’t know.

So I sit here and watch Fargo. I am watching Fargo because Armageddon is not on tonight ( a sure sign of the apocalypse). I love the movie Fargo. I don’t need any translation, I speak Minnesotan.

In an unrelated aside, the CEO of the company I used to work for in Seattle used to hang out by my desk and talk to me because he loved Fargo and couldn’t get enough of the accent.

If I see one more commercial for Kay Jewelers (which I am sure I will) I am going to go postal. Not that it would make any difference since I am alone when I see these commercials and unable to go postal on anyone but the dog and he doesn’t deserve that.

But they piss me off.

So do the car commercials this time of year.

Does anyone really buy someone else a car for Christmas?

If so I have been doing it way wrong.

I’ll get over this. Tomorrow I am going to get a tree with my daughter and my ex#2. It sounds like a great way to spend the day. Tree farm, six year old who complains about everything and an ex spouse. Oh and it’s really cold.

I’m grateful that the ex will do all the heavy cutting and heavy lifting. Once it’s in the house, however, he will take off and I will be left to get the boxes of ornaments down from the attic, untangle the lights and after the novelty wears off for my daughter, left to decorate the damn tree alone.

I will get through this, around the day after Valentine’s Day of next year.

I can always watch Die Hard, it’s a great holiday film, Bruce Willis has hair, and they don’t talk with a funny accent.

Some of you may have noticed that I rarely have pictures on my blog. I take pictures and I even upload them to my computer however I have yet to organize them and label them with names and dates (I know, big surprise).

After two years of writing about them I thought it might be nice if you had some faces to put to the characters. I say characters because if you hadn’t noticed I haven’t named anyone but the dog before.

Without further ado I introduce to you my family:

Alex is the only non redhead in the family. Until he started dyeing it that is.

Alex and his cousins. There is a shot of the three of them just before this picture was taken where they are all hugs and smiles. I don't know who set it off, probably the middle one.

Alex on his big boy bike. This is Ex#2's bike, we had just started dating. Alex had just broken his finger for the second time while out with his dad (ex#1).

Help. My mother bought this tutu for Maddie. She did so because when I was her age my father bought one for me. I have a picture of it somewhere. My mother thought every little redheaded girl needed a pink tutu. My brother's daughters all got one too. Maddie is the only one who still wears hers. All the time.

This is Stanley, the Bassador. Dumb as a box of rocks.

Mmmmm bagel and cream cheese. She still eats this way.

Mmmm spaghetti. See. Messy Maddie. That's the Sponge Bob blankie which is just about to retire for good.

Alex and his hair. Luckily this phase has passed. But not before he learned how to dye it different colors.

Same bike, that's ex#2 on the right, ten years later and instead of dating we are divorced but he's still hanging out in my backyard for some reason.

#62 That's my baby. Tallest kid, longest hair.

Alex and his girlfriend of two years. They've been dating longer than most of my marriages.

This was back in September. We haven't had a bit of snow since then. Weird, must be global warming.

Alex, Mom and Maddie '07

I am the official picture taker in our family and there are only three pictures of me because of it. This is the only picture I have of all three of us together.  The boy has cut his hair so it is just below his ears, he is now a lean mean fighting machine and probably another two inches taller. He isn’t nearly as bored as he looks here. Daughter can still wear this dress but it is a tad on the snug side and a little short to be worn in mixed company. I was trying something different with my bangs at the time of this picture.

I hope you enjoyed meeting everyone.

Today I stopped at Walgreen’s to pick up a prescription.

I have a thyroid disorder, I take a synthetic hormone replacement. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease when I was 18 or 19. The dose has rarely changed except after the birth of each of my children. I take one pill each morning and never think about it again.

When I stopped at Walgreen’s to pick up my Rx I was told that my doctor had denied my refill. No explanation just flat out denied. Both the pharmacist and I thought this was strange. She checked all my information and it was correct. I was not due to visit my doctor for any tests so this was rather strange until she mentioned the name of my doctor. Wrong doctor. This explains why the medication was denied. Apparently last time it was refilled my doctor was not in the office and another doctor okayed the refill. Why the current refill was not passed along to my doctor I don’t know and after last week I don’t really care. The refill was resubmitted and the pharmacist gave me a few pills to get by until the doctor okayed the refill.

But that isn’t what I’m talking about today.

While I was waiting for the pharmacist to gather my meds I browsed around a bit. I was over by the shaving cream section and noticed by the men’s grooming products there were condoms for sale. This was not the condom section just a little suggestive selling on the part of Walgreen’s. As in “Hey, you’re going to shave why not get some Magnum condoms while you’re at it?”

I have to wonder how many men buy the Magnum condoms because of wishful thinking? And how many pregnancies were caused because it slipped off due to poor fit.

I’m no expert but most guys are average. Ex#1 had extra length, painfully long, but disappointing girth. Ex#2 was average on length and girth. Both were convinced they were hung like horses. They weren’t. I went out with a guy for a few years who was. Too bad he was lacking in most every other quality. I also went out with a guy who must have been using steroids because it was hard to find. And to look at the guy you would have thought he was in the horse league. He was a nice guy, a little on the clingy side, which was the nail in the coffin. I could make due, reluctantly, with his shortcomings but the clinginess was too much.

So, if you are a guy, do you buy condoms because they are large, regardless if you need large ones, or do you buy the size that fits? Is finding your condom size like getting a bra fitting? Does the manager from the drug store take you to a back room, pull out a tape measure and ask you to drop trough? I really need to know.

*You could have posts like this automatically if you subscribe to my feed.

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Thank you to everyone who left a comment, donated to my site, sent an email or called me on the phone. I can’t tell you how much your support means to me.

The situation with my ex is no different but I did force him to empty his wallet and give the contents to me. I am now $43 richer. That money was used immediately to buy groceries for my kids lunches. He still doesn’t get it, in fact he can’t believe I took his last dollar, because I am usually such a pushover, but I stood my ground, even if I was shaking the whole time, and I feel stronger for it.

I am working with legal aid to get the situation resolved or at least altered. I will keep you posted.

My email was flooded with wonderful suggestions, and only two of them were MLM scams. Those people have been banned from my site for eternity and if they attempt to visit my site the flying monkeys will descend on them and tear their limbs off. They were warned.

I have not yet looked at all of the suggestions but there are two that I wanted to tell you about since there were so many people who asked that if I did learn anything if I would share it with them. Misery really does love company and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one in this sinking ship.

Here are the two that I have checked out and that have actually earned me a little bit of money in the last few days. Not gobs of money but something and that is a start.

The first one is called Likaholix. Likaholix is a social networking site much like Twitter or Facebook with a little twist. You load in your likes and they give you recommendations for other things to like. By following the recommendations you meet other people with similar likes. It’s a bit more complicated than that since it was created by two former Google gurus. In addition to the networking aspect of the site they also have contests, loads of contests with prizes such as $200 in cash, $200 in gift certificates, and smaller cash prizes. In addition to the cash prizes they will also donate 20 lbs of carbon offset (whatever that means) in the name of the winner. The best part of this is that if you sign up friends you get $3 for each person you sign up. Pretty cool huh? You can sign up here and help me earn $3.

The other site worth mentioning is IM Report Card. I love this one because it is a service where people like you and me rate services, products, people and business opportunities. I have seen a lot of scams and the only way I knew if they were scams is by Googleing them. Often the business opportunities that are scams have seeded the internet with good reviews knowing that people are going to try to check them out. IM Report Card has thousands of reviews of everything under the sun. If you are considering any kind of internet business service check here first. What’s even better than the service that IM Report Card provides is that the person who reviews the product or service earns points. You get tons more points for being the first person to review the product or service. The points can be exchanged for cash paid out through PayPal. I spent ten minutes on the site when I signed up and earned $2. That’s $12/hour and I was still trying to figure it out. You can sign up here at IM Report Card.

These are just two of the suggestions of the many that were sent to me. As I investigate more I will tell you about them.

Again, I want to thank everyone for their support and prayers. Several days ago I was talking to a friend. We were discussing the Biggest Loser and the woman who is on this season who lost her whole family in a car accident. I told my friend if anything happened to my kids I’d probably just end it all. I just don’t have the desire to go on if anything happened to them. My friend said that she doubted I would do that since I had already survived the death of a child. My response, having buried my child and being divorced twice, and knowing how people react to those kinds of things was that I didn’t think there would be anyone to catch me when I fell and that I wouldn’t have any reason to go on. She said she thought I might be surprised to find out who would catch me. Granted I was OTR, pissed at my ex and scared to death of how I was going to pay my bills, feeling pretty much on my own. It’s nice to know that all of you were here to catch me. I can’t thank you enough.