It’s come way too early this year. Last year my annual complain about the heat post was published on June 23rd, that’s nearly a whole month early. The first annual complain about the heat post didn’t happen until July 16th of 2008. Clearly global warming is not just a theory.

To make matters worse I have a sick kid. I’m just throwing that out there because I need sympathy. I’m tired, hot and crabby. I’m going to be so much fun when menopause kicks in in about ten years.

Yesterday the temperature reached 98 degrees Fahrenheit with humidity levels in the tropical zone. I had my heat on a week ago.

Because of the boy’s broken wrist I have not gotten the window air conditioners in yet. Yeah, I could do it but that would mean going into the hot as hell attic and dragging the damn thing down, putting it in a window and all that other stuff. The boy doesn’t have a whole lot of jobs around the house, he is mostly in charge of keeping his grades up so he can get into a great college, get an advanced degree in something and then support his mother after that. At least that is my retirement plan. Luckily we spent the day at the orthopedists office yesterday and he has been given the all clear sign. He doesn’t have to wear the brace anymore and we don’t have to see the doctor anymore. So today he is installing air conditioners when he gets home from school.

Because it is so hot I haven’t got anything amusing to say, however some other bloggers haven’t been hit by the heat yet and have managed to say some hilarious things.

Tracy over at I Hate My Message Board has written another one of her famous food posts, this one is about soda, or pop for you living in the midwest. She even links to her famous Chicken in a Can post so be sure to check that out. I must warn you her food posts are not for people with weak stomachs.

Kathy, from the Junk Drawer, prompted by my last post, tells her story of children starting fires for Jesus.

Margaret from Nanny Goats in Panties has her cute goat on. You can’t stop yourself from saying “Awwww”. This post has also been an inspiration for an upcoming post, can you guess what I am going to talk about?

JD from I Do Things has thankfully contemplated those damn dingleberry commercials, so we don’t have to. Be fore warned, the comments are graphic, highly amusing but graphic nonetheless.

Don’t forget to submit your photos for Friday’s How Did We Survive post. I’ve already received some hilarious photos. It was pointed out to me that a lot of times these moments of survival weren’t captured on film so if you have a story you would like to share please feel free to submit that as well. This will be a linky love post so be sure to send me your blog URL and your name or moniker so I can link to your blog.

And while I am sending you all over the internet please be sure to check out Tribal Blogs. We are having all kinds of fun over there. We are networking and learning all kinds of great blogging tips.

Stay cool everyone!

Image via Wikipedia

I love my iPhone.  Actually, I ♥ my iPhone (Shawn taught me that). I ♥ my iPhone because there are so many great apps to play with. Lately I have been playing Cowabunga (it’s free). My fingers get all sweaty which cause me to drop the cows in the river a lot but still it’s great fun.  And the sound effects are awesome.

Because I ♥ my iPhone I know I will ♥ my iPad even more.  Right now I am ♥ ing my imaginary iPad because that is the best I can do at the moment. I have been imagining going to one of the 400 Starbucks in my neighborhood and sitting there, sipping my non-fat latte, while I play Cowabunga on a much larger screen. Where I might be able to use two fingers to get the cows across the river, so I can take turns wiping my sweaty fingers on a paper napkin. I imagine all the other patrons, of one of the 400 Starbucks in my neighborhood, looking on longingly at my iPad wishing they had one too.

I imagine all the apps that are available for the iPad that I know I will ♥ so much. There is an app for everything you could possibly think of if you are a 12 year old boy.  Unfortunately for us moms, the app store is woefully understocked.

If I had the ability to create apps these are the ones I would create:

1. Audio caller ID App

I’m not really sure this would be an app but it’s something I would love on my iPhone. I have audio caller ID on my land line. The phone rings and some nice lady tells me who is calling so I don’t have to get up and look for the phone. My iPhone does not have this feature yet I imagine it does because it rings and I wait for it to tell me who is calling.  By the time it occurs to me that it won’t tell me who is calling, I have missed the call.

2. Get the Kids Ready for School App

The iPhone or iPad would go off at the appointed time and wake up the kids. It would then wake them up again. It would then wake them up again in a shrill and aggravated voice telling them they will miss their bus if they don’t get their butts moving. It will tell them to eat something, anything, because lunch isn’t for several hours. It will remind them to brush their teeth and wear a sweater. It will keep making a horribly annoying noise until both of them are out the door and on their way to school, not to return for at least six hours.

3. The Housework is Backing Up App

This app will magically know when things are getting out of hand. Usually around Thursday. The app will tell me when the dishes are piling up, when there are more than five loads of laundry that need to be washed and when the floors are covered in animal hair. It will kindly remind me each day that unless I do some of this stuff it will get out of hand and then I will just throw in the towel and surrender until the weekend. It will remind me how much I hate spending my weekend getting caught up on all the housework so that I will actually tackle a little each day. It will basically be my mother.

4. The Ass Spread App

This app will tell me when it’s time to get away from the computer, put on my ‘outfit’ and take a walk. It works by measuring ones ass and inputting that information into the iPhone or iPad. Each day that goes by it will do some crazy algorithm to determine how much bigger my ass has become because I haven’t put on my ‘outfit’ and gone for a walk. It will use that shrill, aggravated voice to gently get my ass out of the chair and start to move. It will ultimately be a life saver or at least a cellulite preventer.

5. The What’s For Dinner App.

This one works by simply taking a picture of the contents of the fridge. The app will figure out a way to make a gourmet meal out of string cheese, moldy broccoli and braunschweiger. It will show a picture of what those three ingredients could look like if handled correctly. It would also have a taste meter with smiley faces so the children would eat it, no questions asked. It would, of course, lie.

Those are my apps, which ones do you imagine?

* Before I sat down to write this, when I was imagining the apps I would like to have, I thought of one that took all my appointments, tasks and commitments and organized them together.

I seriously need to take a little vacation.

Mother’s Day is just around the corner so I thought it would helpful to all you people with moms if I gave a quick rundown of what not to get her for that day in honor of her. I’m not talking about macaroni necklaces or hand made cards, those are cherished gifts which moms always love. If you are giving her those things you aren’t old enough to be reading this post. This primer is for the new dad who is clueless about what to give his wife during those years when the children don’t have jobs of their own so they can splurge on their mother.

After extensive research (okay, I asked everyone on Facebook and Twitter) I compiled a list of the top five worst ever gifts that women have received for Mother’s Day. If you have already purchased one of these gifts you have time to take it back and get something she might really like. Who am I kidding? I’ve been to Walgreens on Mother’s Day morning. You can’t walk through the card aisle because of all the men searching hopelessly for cards.

The Top Five Mother’s Day Gifts (Don’t get these)

1. The You’re-Not-My-Mom non gift.

Men who make the mistake of giving this gift usually only give it once. They are so scarred from the after effects of giving this gift that it never happens again. If you have managed to receive this gift and remained married, most gifts following this one are pretty good. Guys, you are right, she isn’t your mother. She is just the woman who gave birth to your child. Cut the apron strings and get with the program.

2. Anything Automotive

Women don’t want new wiper blades and they certainly don’t want a pair of fuzzy dice, even if you found them in pink. Same goes for a new set of tires or an oil change. You should be doing these things for her anyway. The only acceptable automotive gift for a woman on Mother’s Day is a Mercedes CL65 AMG. If this is in your price range, by all means, go automotive.

3. Household Appliances

This seems to be the most popular gift and yet it is so wrong. Guys, I know you are trying to help her by getting something, anything, that might lessen her workload. It is a nice gesture but it says to the woman that you think she could do a better job cleaning if she just had the right tools. And maybe she could. If your house is filled with dust bunnies and you can’t find the dog then get her a  male servant named Sven. There is one exception, besides Sven, to the no household appliances rule. A Dyson. Women would sell their first born for one of these. You can’t go wrong with a Dyson.

4. Cook Books/Diet Books

Because nothing says “I love you” like How to Lose 30 lbs in 30 Days or Go Make Me a Sandwich.  Listen, books are great, and if you can give her an hour of peace so she can actually read the book I say go for it. Better yet, get a gift certificate to a local online bookstore so she can order what she wants. In fact get her a Kindle or an iPad so she can easily download the books she wants when she wants them. Just don’t imply that she needs to lose some baby fat or her cooking skills need a little work. You can do that some other day.

5. The Homemade Gift Certificate/Coupon Book

These are very popular gifts for Mother’s Day. However, they scream that you forgot all about Mother’s Day and threw something together at the last minute. The intent is great, you will do the dishes each night for a month, back rubs on demand, taking the kids to the park for an hour each week. We’ve all received these at one time or another. The problem is there is no follow through. There has never been any evidence in recorded history of a woman being able to successfully redeem these coupons. Skip this one unless you can gift wrap Sven. Better yet, get her a real gift certificate from a luxe spatique.

Guys, you still have time to make this the best Mother’s Day ever. I’ve given you plenty of perfectly acceptable gift ideas that won’t get you time in the doghouse. And remember, Father’s Day follows Mother’s Day for a reason.

I have the worlds smallest kitchen. I don’t know the dimensions but it’s so small I can’t fit a kitchen table in it. I used to have a huge kitchen with a magnificent island right in the middle of it. I had beautiful bar furniture tucked underneath the island so no one had to trip over the stools because they stuck out.

I want my old kitchen back. Not only did it have a wonderful island, which really means it had tons of counter space, it also had two sinks. My little puny kitchen has just one sink. One sink that is always getting filled with dirty dishes because someone can’t find the dishwasher.

I also have the ugliest counters. This horrible green color that makes me think of the 80′s for some reason. Luckily there is so little room that the kitchen appliances take up all the counter space so you really can’t see how butt ugly it is.

I don’t know how to solve this problem short of moving. I don’t want to move. I like the rest of the house (except for the siding) and I love my neighbors. I can live with ugly ass counters and one sink and no island. If I have to.

I’ve considered busting out a wall and making it bigger but that seems like a lot of work and more importantly a lot of money. But, if I busted out my back wall I’d have to do something with the ugly siding.

Any suggestions?

Have you seen this? It’s popping up everywhere.

I am having way too much fun over at Tribal Blogs and my traffic has been going up ever since. I can’t believe we are now 147 strong and after only one month with no advertising.  All word of mouth.

It’s been great because people are Stumbling and Tweeting and Digging everyone else’s blog posts. Bloggers have been helping other bloggers solve problems and have been asking for advice. It’s been wild.

The reason for Tribal Blogs was to network with other bloggers and to increase traffic, using the toolbar and feed much like Entrecard does, except there aren’t all those crappy blogs that we all have to slog through. Each time I run the toolbar I visit great blogs, which I read because I don’t have to waste my time dropping cards on blogs I don’t like. Each day I am seeing more and more traffic from Tribal Blogs to my own blog. I get more hits from Tribal Blogs than I do from Entrecard which is fantastic because the people who visit by way of Tribal Blogs are actually reading what I have to say. My bounce rate has gone way down which is a really nice thing.

I didn’t expect to have so much fun. I’m not sure why, it’s not as if the members of Tribal Blogs aren’t all entertaining people, they really are. It’s just that you let loose a whole bunch of great bloggers and things start to get silly. Even the most serious topics are fun to read and respond to because we all have the same passion. We want more people to read our blogs and we will be damned if we don’t make that happen. I have met some of the most interesting bloggers on Tribal Blogs and I’m meeting new ones all the time. It never gets stale because someone is always recommending another great blog to read.

Yes, it has been an incredible amount of work and yes, I have created a lot of that work all by myself. What I mean is that I have messed things up by trying to be helpful. The Tribal Blogs IT guy warned me not to touch certain things. He specifically said not to install the update. I remembered for about week that I was not allowed to touch anything and then the memory of it was just gone. When I saw that there was an update available I said to myself:

“Ooh look, there’s a new update. I wonder if it doesn’t do really cool things”

I actually thought that as I was hitting the ‘update’ key.

And then everything crashed.

Joseph fixed everything, because he is an amazing and awesome geeky tech guy. He made me promise not to touch anything again and even suggested, strongly, that I write a little post-it note to myself and put it on my monitor. Which I have.

If you haven’t joined Tribal Blogs yet, what are you waiting for? Come on by, meet some new people, increase your blogs traffic and learn a few new tricks and tips from the pros.

Tribal Blogs is free to join, and if you want to have your blog featured in the toolbar (which everyone is using) and the feed page, you can become a premium member for a mere $6 per month. Pocket change. Come on over, we’re waiting for you!

I’m feeling pretty sassy these days. The extra sunlight is a big help. I am almost ready to concede that winter is over and I am almost ready to take my warm weather clothes out and put my cold weather clothes into storage. Almost. I know if I put my sweaters away it will snow so I am waiting at least until this weekend. We have been having a spectacular spring here this year. This is notable since spring in Minnesota is usually no more than a weekend. We go from shoveling and high heating bills to lawn mowing and air conditioning in the blink of an eye. There is never a time when the utility company isn’t raking in all kinds of dough.

My tulips are in full bloom and the lilacs are just about to pop. Last week I planted my window boxes with marigolds. I’m feeling so good about this spring that when the fucking squirrels dug up all of my marigolds I didn’t go after them with my wrist rocket. I’ll get them but not until the heat of summer has set in and I am feeling crabby again.

To add to my uplifted mood I received a couple of packages last week. I finally got my shwag from General Hospital, which included a mug, tote bag, throw blanket, and poster signed by 17 cast members. Now if I could just figure out how to get their words “General Hospital” off of each product I might actually use them. I also received my Sassy Sampler box from Jenn at The Sassy Sampler.

Jenn, a fellow tribe member from Tribal Blogs, asked if I wanted a sample box and if I would review it. I’m always about getting free stuff in the mail so I jumped at the chance. She promised to send it out right away and it arrived after three days. Of course, I have the attention span of a gnat and I get distracted easily. In those three days I completely forgot about it. So it was a wonderful surprise when it showed up on my front porch last week.

Jenn had clearly market the box on one end with OPEN THIS END, but I was far too excited to read any kind of direction and opened it at the other end. The wrong end, spilling all the contents out on my kitchen floor, not unlike a pinata at a child’s birthday. More fun!

I sat down on my kitchen floor like a kid at Christmas going through a stuffed stocking. Except that most kids don’t empty their stocking loot out on the kitchen floor. Luckily for me the daughter was still at school so I had a little time to go through everything without little hands grabbing at everything.

If she had been there I would have had to fight her off. Included in my Sassy Sampler were all kinds of goodies. There was a lovely beaded bookmark, something I am always in need of, candle melts that smelled yummy in hydrangea and apple cinnamon, an insomnia kit, face scrubby, energy drinks, some awesome mineral make up made by Jenn herself, and several charms.  All inside a satin tote!

Sample boxes are a great idea. You can try a variety of different products and choose the ones that work for you. It’s a great way to find artisans that you would never find out at the mall. Sample boxes can be tailored to different needs such as new moms, beauty products, health and wellness, diet, and crafts just to name a few. I love the idea of gathering the best products from unique artists and putting them together for people to try out.

The only criticism I have about the Sassy Sampler is that the samples were packaged in little zip loc bags. Boring! I’m a fool for pretty packaging. If something comes in a cute little box I will love it, no matter what. Put a ribbon or bow on it and I will be a customer for life. I also choose books by their covers and if a bottle of wine has a cute label and name I will buy it, drink it and love it. I’m a marketers dream. I realize to package all of the samples would be costly but it might be a worthy investment. I am not the only one who loves pretty packages. I would also suggest adding an item that was full sized, just as a little treat.

The Sassy Sampler is a great way to discover new products and artisans, they also make great gifts for those people you just don’t know what to get. Give a little of everything!