This heat is killing me.  The worst part? We aren’t even breaking any records. It’s hot, but not OMFG I’m so hot I will melt if I stand still outside.

My bedroom doesn’t have A/C. In fact my bedroom is probably the warmest room in the house which is why the youngest child and the dog pile into bed with me each night.  My daughter’s room is in the attic, it is OMFG hot up there but she has an A/C unit in her window. She just doesn’t like it.

The dog is a pussy and won’t go anywhere in the house alone anymore. Thank you all you people who light off firecrackers, I really appreciate it.

Prior to everyone else joining me it isn’t that bad. I have a ceiling fan and it does a nice job of keeping the air moving. Add a kid and a furry dog and suddenly the fan is just spreading warm air around, and gas, the dog has a lot of gas.

So I get up and go into the living room and sleep on the couch. Which means I watch TV at 2 o’clock in the morning. Because I can.

There is nothing good on TV at 2am. Nothing.

I try to fall asleep but the couch is really uncomfortable as a bed. It’s great as a place to sit but not to lie down. The dog hair doesn’t help the situation.

So I go back to my bedroom, try to move both of them out of my space and give it a try again.

I end up watching TV again (I have a TV in my bedroom and usually set the timer to fall asleep to it).

I get up and go back to the living room.

Where I watch TV again. I watch some cable news channel and see a story about Microsoft Tone. Kinda like Spellcheck and Grammarcheck but this one checks the tone of voice in your emails. I laugh because if I used this it would never let me send anything because I always have a ‘tone’.

I can’t remember being this uncomfortable when sleeping except for when I was in the last month of pregnancy, that time when you really need your sleep because it won’t be happening again for several years.

I’ve called a guy about installing central air. When I had the furnace replaced a couple of years ago we made sure it had some little doohicky so it was all ready to have the A/C installed when it came time. Last year it was 74 and perfect all summer long. The guy will be here later this week to give me  a proper bid.

I am sure that once it is installed the weather will settle into something like 74 and sunny for the rest of the season. But at least I will finally get some sleep.

For the last week my neighbors have been lighting off fireworks. Not a ton but enough to scare the shit out of my dog making him hide under my desk.

Stanley is a beast of a dog even if he has very short, stubby legs. He takes up a lot of room and there are a lot of cables and cords under there. Cables and cords which he gets tangled in because he is a tard and scared.

I understand that people are excited about lighting things on fire and watching them go BOOM. But for the love of all things I NEED TO GET SOME FLIPPING WORK DONE please knock it the fuck off!

Yesterday, Stanley tried to wedge himself between the tower and my desk, he didn’t fit because there is only about two inches between the two. He settled for squishing himself up to the tower (because I refused to let him under the desk) and ended up turning off the computer because he was pressed against the power button. Thank God for auto save but I still had to reboot, which takes what seems like hours.

I’ve been tripping over the damn dog for over a week and now he has decided that he must go to the bathroom with me. My bathroom is tiny, there is not room for a person and a dog in there. He doesn’t care. He is willing himself to be small so he can fit into little spaces, presumably so the fireworks monster can’t find him.

I love my country, I love my dog, but I need to get some work done so if you could all please go blow your stash off somewhere else, like in the next state, I would sincerely appreciate it

Thanks to all the rain we had here in Minnesota, this past weekend, the transition is now complete and I am officially a redneck.

That is my back yard.

It now has a broken, smelly, Hide-a-Bed couch smack dab in the middle of it. Behind it is a smelly, foul, dirty and wet rug.

I realize that I cannot officially lay claim to redneckhood because my couch and rug are not in my front yard but it’s close enough for me. Since I have no idea what I am going to do with these items, I think I can claim “redneck” as mine.

Just getting the damn couch out of the basement was enough to make anyone a redneck.

I didn’t have to become a redneck.

This could have been prevented if someone had told me about the leaking of the basement ten hours earlier. It could have possibly been prevented if someone hadn’t left their dirty socks all over the laundry room and bathroom, covering the drains that prevent this kind of thing from happening.

It certainly could have been lessened if someone had picked up all the crap on the floor, including but not limited to all the bed sheets, quilts, pillows and other large items I spent washing at a laundromat last week because they were too big to fit in my machines.

But none of those things happened and now I am a redneck.

I’m thinking it’s time to put the truck on blocks, that will make official.

Image via Wikipedia

That’s right, I won a million dollars in the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. I can’t believe it. Talk about luck! Of all the people who didn’t enter this sweepstakes, I won. And here is the letter that proves it:

We the Board of Directors of Publishers Clearing House brings to your notice that your email address just won you One Million Dollars($1,000,000.00 USD) in this week Sweepstake Lotto Program.You are to send a confirmation email immediately to claimsdept67676@hotmail.com

Sincerely,

Ronnie Lykke

Online Co-ordinator

I especially love that the people in Claimsdept67676 are everyday people like the rest of us and use a hotmail account. Can you still get a hotmail account?

So anyway, if you don’t see me around for a while this is why, I’m taking that much needed vacation now that I am a millionaire.

It’s come way too early this year. Last year my annual complain about the heat post was published on June 23rd, that’s nearly a whole month early. The first annual complain about the heat post didn’t happen until July 16th of 2008. Clearly global warming is not just a theory.

To make matters worse I have a sick kid. I’m just throwing that out there because I need sympathy. I’m tired, hot and crabby. I’m going to be so much fun when menopause kicks in in about ten years.

Yesterday the temperature reached 98 degrees Fahrenheit with humidity levels in the tropical zone. I had my heat on a week ago.

Because of the boy’s broken wrist I have not gotten the window air conditioners in yet. Yeah, I could do it but that would mean going into the hot as hell attic and dragging the damn thing down, putting it in a window and all that other stuff. The boy doesn’t have a whole lot of jobs around the house, he is mostly in charge of keeping his grades up so he can get into a great college, get an advanced degree in something and then support his mother after that. At least that is my retirement plan. Luckily we spent the day at the orthopedists office yesterday and he has been given the all clear sign. He doesn’t have to wear the brace anymore and we don’t have to see the doctor anymore. So today he is installing air conditioners when he gets home from school.

Because it is so hot I haven’t got anything amusing to say, however some other bloggers haven’t been hit by the heat yet and have managed to say some hilarious things.

Tracy over at I Hate My Message Board has written another one of her famous food posts, this one is about soda, or pop for you living in the midwest. She even links to her famous Chicken in a Can post so be sure to check that out. I must warn you her food posts are not for people with weak stomachs.

Kathy, from the Junk Drawer, prompted by my last post, tells her story of children starting fires for Jesus.

Margaret from Nanny Goats in Panties has her cute goat on. You can’t stop yourself from saying “Awwww”. This post has also been an inspiration for an upcoming post, can you guess what I am going to talk about?

JD from I Do Things has thankfully contemplated those damn dingleberry commercials, so we don’t have to. Be fore warned, the comments are graphic, highly amusing but graphic nonetheless.

Don’t forget to submit your photos for Friday’s How Did We Survive post. I’ve already received some hilarious photos. It was pointed out to me that a lot of times these moments of survival weren’t captured on film so if you have a story you would like to share please feel free to submit that as well. This will be a linky love post so be sure to send me your blog URL and your name or moniker so I can link to your blog.

And while I am sending you all over the internet please be sure to check out Tribal Blogs. We are having all kinds of fun over there. We are networking and learning all kinds of great blogging tips.

Stay cool everyone!

I usually mow my lawn on the weekends because that is when my neighbors on both sides of me mow their lawns. I do this because I don’t want my lawn to look crappy when theirs looks freshly cut. There is a certain rhythm to the neighborhood, lawn mowing is one of those things that is a dance (insert Lawn Mower Dance scene from She’s Having a Baby with Kevin Bacon, which I couldn’t find). However, we’ve had a couple of new neighbors move in on the block recently and they haven’t yet learned the steps to this complicated dance.

1. Don’t mow your lawn before noon on Sunday.

Anytime after 9am is perfectly acceptable on a Saturday but before noon on a Sunday is just going to get you banned from the block party. The people on my block work hard all week long. They like to let loose a little on Saturday. This means no noise on Sunday mornings. You can mow your lawn after church, when even God doesn’t mind.

2. Weed Whacking isn’t necessary each week.

If you use your weed whacker more than twice a month you are just showing off. Whack your weeds way down to the ground so you don’t have to make that infernal noise more than necessary. Mowing the lawn once a week is a necessity, weed whacking is just annoying, do it sparingly.  Just because you have a hemi in your weed whacker doesn’t mean you penis is any bigger than the rest of us.

3. It’s unfair to mow your grass on a Tuesday.

Keep with the schedule so all of our lawns look nice at the same time. When you mow on a Tuesday you are highlighting all the other lawns that haven’t been cut since Saturday and we all know you are just going to cut it again on the weekend.

4. Resodding is cheating.

Unless you are selling your house it is unlawful to resod you lawn. It’s the easy way out and not appreciated by the other neighbors who will smile and pat you on the back for taking the plunge but behind your back will make fun of you and call you lazy. If you want a perfect lawn that isn’t filled with crab grass, creeping Charlie and dandelions then get out there with a pick and start weeding like everyone else. Remember, if it’s green, it’s your lawn. If you can’t handle the weeds then move to the suburbs where they don’t grow.

5. Push mowers are for pussies.

People who are serious about their lawns fill their garage with all kinds of gas powered grooming tools. We spend the spring tuning up our machines to make sure they start on the first pull. In the fall we must choose one Sunday to start the mower and let it run until it is out of gas. We don’t care about the environment if it means our lawn suffers for it. If you have a push mower it means you probably don’t use weed killer or other environmentally toxic chemicals on your lawn and you probably let your dandelions go to seed. It’s neighbors like you that piss the rest of us off because your environmentally conscious lawn means more weeds for those of us downwind from you. We might invite you to the block party but you are going to have to bring your own beer.

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