Mother’s Day is just around the corner so I thought it would helpful to all you people with moms if I gave a quick rundown of what not to get her for that day in honor of her. I’m not talking about macaroni necklaces or hand made cards, those are cherished gifts which moms always love. If you are giving her those things you aren’t old enough to be reading this post. This primer is for the new dad who is clueless about what to give his wife during those years when the children don’t have jobs of their own so they can splurge on their mother.

After extensive research (okay, I asked everyone on Facebook and Twitter) I compiled a list of the top five worst ever gifts that women have received for Mother’s Day. If you have already purchased one of these gifts you have time to take it back and get something she might really like. Who am I kidding? I’ve been to Walgreens on Mother’s Day morning. You can’t walk through the card aisle because of all the men searching hopelessly for cards.

The Top Five Mother’s Day Gifts (Don’t get these)

1. The You’re-Not-My-Mom non gift.

Men who make the mistake of giving this gift usually only give it once. They are so scarred from the after effects of giving this gift that it never happens again. If you have managed to receive this gift and remained married, most gifts following this one are pretty good. Guys, you are right, she isn’t your mother. She is just the woman who gave birth to your child. Cut the apron strings and get with the program.

2. Anything Automotive

Women don’t want new wiper blades and they certainly don’t want a pair of fuzzy dice, even if you found them in pink. Same goes for a new set of tires or an oil change. You should be doing these things for her anyway. The only acceptable automotive gift for a woman on Mother’s Day is a Mercedes CL65 AMG. If this is in your price range, by all means, go automotive.

3. Household Appliances

This seems to be the most popular gift and yet it is so wrong. Guys, I know you are trying to help her by getting something, anything, that might lessen her workload. It is a nice gesture but it says to the woman that you think she could do a better job cleaning if she just had the right tools. And maybe she could. If your house is filled with dust bunnies and you can’t find the dog then get her a  male servant named Sven. There is one exception, besides Sven, to the no household appliances rule. A Dyson. Women would sell their first born for one of these. You can’t go wrong with a Dyson.

4. Cook Books/Diet Books

Because nothing says “I love you” like How to Lose 30 lbs in 30 Days or Go Make Me a Sandwich.  Listen, books are great, and if you can give her an hour of peace so she can actually read the book I say go for it. Better yet, get a gift certificate to a local online bookstore so she can order what she wants. In fact get her a Kindle or an iPad so she can easily download the books she wants when she wants them. Just don’t imply that she needs to lose some baby fat or her cooking skills need a little work. You can do that some other day.

5. The Homemade Gift Certificate/Coupon Book

These are very popular gifts for Mother’s Day. However, they scream that you forgot all about Mother’s Day and threw something together at the last minute. The intent is great, you will do the dishes each night for a month, back rubs on demand, taking the kids to the park for an hour each week. We’ve all received these at one time or another. The problem is there is no follow through. There has never been any evidence in recorded history of a woman being able to successfully redeem these coupons. Skip this one unless you can gift wrap Sven. Better yet, get her a real gift certificate from a luxe spatique.

Guys, you still have time to make this the best Mother’s Day ever. I’ve given you plenty of perfectly acceptable gift ideas that won’t get you time in the doghouse. And remember, Father’s Day follows Mother’s Day for a reason.