Image by blmurch via Flickr

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner which means if you are a typical guy you haven’t even begun to think about what to get for that special lady. Have no fear, I am here to help you. You’ve probably seen a lot of TV commercials for the perfect gift, one that is sure to get you laid, but I am here to warn you away from the gifts you are sure to buy because you are a guy and just don’t know any better. What follows is a list of five gifts to never, ever, give to any woman you hope to have any kind of future with. I realize a lot of you might not be with women you hope to share a future with and therefore don’t care what I have to say. To which I say go ahead and get these items. However, if you want to get some or at the very least don’t want to sleep on the couch, by all means stay away from the following gifts.

Stuffed Animals

We’ve all seen these adorable bears on the TV commercials and yeah, the bears are cute. But did you get a look at the women receiving the bears? All the women are beautiful, young and obviously stupid. Is your woman any of those things? I didn’t think so. Don’t get her a gift that insults her intelligence. If you think you will get lucky with a gift like this you couldn’t be more wrong. She is not going to fuck you because she will think you are an idiot for spending $70 on a stuffed animal you could have bought at Build a Bear Workshop for $15.

Pajamagram

This is a trap, you cannot win if you get pajamas for your sweetie. If you get these you will have to choose a size and no matter what size you choose it will be wrong. If you guess the size wrong and get them larger than she is she will not talk to you for a week. If you look in her closet you will get the size wrong because pajamas do not come in standard dress sizes like 4, 6, 8, or 10 (your sweetie is most likely a size 12 because that is average). They come in sm, med, lg and xlg but you will be confused because now that you know a size 12 is the size of the average woman that size does not translate to a size Med on the order form. You will have to buy a size Large to get a real medium or average size. Your woman will hate you for getting a size large, unless she is an extra large and then you might get lucky.  Take a look at the picture of the model. Does your sweetie look like that? If you said yes, why are you getting something to cover her up? Back to the picture, guess what size she is. You’re wrong. She is a size 0. They don’t even sell clothing in in a size 0. Confused? You can’t win this one. Oh, and like the teddy bear, if you spend $99 for something you could buy at Target for $24 she is going to think you are stupid and she will also think you have money to waste so really you screw yourself with this one.

French Maid’s Costume Complete with Feather Duster

Are you really considering this? How did you even find a woman?

Edible or Crotchless Panties

Edible Panties are made of the same material as Fruit Roll Ups which are disgusting to adults. They also melt and then stick. Unless you are going to get her a complete wax first (and I don’t suggest you do) these will cause more pain and misery than necessary. Additionally you have to choose a size (see Pajamagram above). There is one caveat and that is bacon underwear. Just make sure she isn’t a vegan.

Crotchless Panties are just impractical. If there is no crotch on them there is no point in wearing them. If you are too lazy to remove a pair of panties you really shouldn’t be gettin’ any. Again, you will have to choose a size for these to work properly.

Sex Toys

These can be fun and if your woman is okay with these kinds of toys (and many are not) you can have a great night provided you drink enough first. The problem with sex toys, especially vibrators, is that you will never be able to measure up to an awesome sex toy. They are bigger, sparklier and battery operated. You don’t even need to be around for their use. If you get her one of these you run the risk of being replaced, quickly.

So what can you get your sweetheart for the most over commercialized, fake holiday around?

Roses and her favorite chocolates.  Cliché? Yes but you can’t go wrong with either of them because all women love chocolate and all women love to get flowers, even if they tell you they don’t, they still do. If you really want to ensure a night of amazing passion and eternal gratitude then clean the bathroom and empty the dishwasher.

You’re welcome.